Living My Eulogy

It was about 4:50 in the afternoon, Thursday, June 6, 2002.  My father had just told me that my brother Ben, and his climbing partner Jeff, were missing on Mt. Rainier.  The rangers had called my mother at work to ask if she had heard from them;  she had not.  The next 5 hours were agonizing as we waited for news.

source

The rangers were on the mountain for a different rescue... someone had fallen in a wedding party up there; no one seriously injured.  But during the rescue they noticed my brother's tent.  When they went to investigate they surmised that it had not been slept in.  One of the mountaineers, on his descent, had met Ben and Jeff the night before as they began their summit climb.  They had stopped to talk about conditions on top, and then Ben and Jeff proceeded.

Tick-tock, tick-tock... I remember the sound of the clock, most of the time the only sound in the room.  Around 6:30 I was standing at the sink and reality hit me.  I knew.  In my heart.  Oh, dear God.  Please, no.

Headlights in the driveway, 10:00 pm.  It was all a mistake, here they are driving up to the house.  Wait, that's not his car.  Oh God, Oh God... shaking, barely able to stand up.  The sound of the doorbell, the door opening, a stranger.  "I am the chaplain for Mt. Rainier Rescue.  Please call this number."  Fingers numb, 11 digits dialed.  "I am sorry, we found Ben and Jeff at the bottom of a drop, they did not survive."  Both of them, gone.

Living hell;  I was there.

I have thought a lot about death since that time, especially my own.  I have thought a lot about life too.  I recently looked back at some things I wrote during the aftermath.  What struck me particularly was a list I had made,

What I would like to be remembered as...

a good wife, mother, daughter, friend

     be there, be attentive, be thoughtful

as someone who enjoyed the outdoors

a cook and a gardener

as someone who indulged in a sensual life

     beautiful food, beautiful music, a beautiful home (not just material), arts, nature

always learning

     reading, writing, art

noticing the little things and enjoying them
someone who glorified the Lord and reflected His love unto others

I haven't thought about that list in awhile, and I haven't lived up to that list.  I get lazy, selfish, tired.  I get distracted from the things I profess to love.

I have been thinking about my purpose in life... to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.  Ultimately, if I can do that my whole list will be accomplished.  He wants all of those things for me, for all of us.

I don't know why I lost my brother, why my parents lost their child.  I don't know why there is so much pain in the world.  I grieve, my heart aches, but I am thankful for the opportunity of this life and I want to make the most of it.  I have a loving husband and two wonderful children.  I have a beautiful life.  I need to refocus and to put actions to words.

Glorify God.

my boys with their Uncle Ben